Dating While Black and Misogynoir

Misogynoir

After being in college for two years I have noticed something that has become a trending topic for many talk shows, books, online sermons, etc. Ultimately this has to lead me and several of my friends to have various conversations about our relationship with dating and how we are perceived in our various academic environments. For many of us, it feels impossible to date in comparison to our non Black friends. Though we attend different schools of various sizes there is a reoccurring theme: we were all seen as unapproachable and or intimidating and ultimately not datable. This is a conversation that tends to have a significant amount of gaslighting and disregard for misogynoir, colorism and the role patriarchy has in heteronormative dating. 

Misogynoir is misogyny directed towards black women and deals with the intersection of race and gender. The term was created by Moya Bailey an African American feminist scholar. 

Colorism is a preference based upon skin complexion. Within the Black American community, colorism stems from slavery when slaves who had proximity to whiteness worked in the house while slaves of a darker complexion worked in the field. Historically things like the paper bag test were used by churches, sororities, fraternities, and nightclubs for entrance. Having lighter skin and the ability to pass for white or racial ambiguity allowed many blacks to enter white spaces and further assimilate themselves into white society. The history of colorism within American society continues to be relevant in today's society. With hashtags such as team light skin vs team dark skin and public figures such as Kodak Black discussing their shade preferences in interviews. 

Patriarchy is a social system where men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it. Within heteronormative dating, the idea is that the women wait for men to approach them. If Black women are seen as unapproachable or intimidating within these spaces then they ultimately remain single.

Today people like Steve Harvey and more recently John Gray have been able to profit off of Black women's inability to find mates writing books, statuses, and or sermons on what exactly it is women, with the targeted audience being Black women, need to do to find and keep a mate. According to Okay Cupid co-founder Chris Rudder: Black women and Asian men are the least preferred on the dating site. The epidemic has also lead to many popular online shows to have episodes dedicated to topics such as: Why are Black women single usually posing the question to Black men. Though many are profiting off of a superficial analysis of misogynoir not many of these platforms have taken the time to ask Black women why they are single, and or how dating impacts them. Since this has been a source of frustration for myself and many of my friends I decided to ask a few of my college educated girlfriends a few questions about their experience or lack of experience with dating in college. 

Questions

Each participant was asked the following questions:
What’s been your experience or relationship with dating? How do you feel about dating? Is it easier dating while navigating black spaces or no? What’s your reality as a Black Women dating at a PWI or HBCU?

Responses: 

Anon:

My experience with dating has been really tough since coming to college. In high school, I only dated one person my senior year because I felt it was important to focus on my studies, but also because there was no one else besides my high school boyfriend who I clicked with. I grew up on the south side of Chicago, and I never felt I couldn’t date when I lived there. The dating scene there within the upper-class black community is very arranged and based on status. My mother and her friends have attempted to set me up with various young men whom I grew up with, and I had no interest. It all felt very disingenuous to me. I didn’t want my first dating experiences to be some business transaction or networking relationship. I wanted to have a real honest connection with someone. I figured that once I came to college, all of this would change. I would finally get to meet men who had the same interests as me and liked me for who I was and not for who I knew. After being in undergrad for almost three years now, I can say that although the status based arranged relationships are nonexistent here, it’s much worse than I could’ve imagined. 

My dating and sex life on campus has been incredibly disappointing so far. I’ve only been in one somewhat serious relationship since being at University, and even that was brief and sporadic. My ex gave my beauty and “cool” factor as the reason for his breakup with me, which didn’t make sense to me at the time but now has been a common theme since. I have been told by various people that guys are “afraid to approach” me and are “intimidated” by me, which I was also told to take as a compliment. I am not flattered. Anytime I complain to my non-black friends about my dating experiences or lack thereof, their response is always to reassure me that it has nothing to do with my race and to put myself out there! The only time I’ve ever been approached by a man since living here is by street harassers and by men in positions of power over me who violated strict boundaries to make advances towards me. It’s incredibly frustrating to see my non-black friends consistently receive advances from men our own age and then to hear black women on campuses across the country complain about the same problems with dating that I face. It sends the message to me that I am not the type of girl who gets asked on dates or who gets to experience normal healthy monogamous heteronormative relationships. It sends the message to me that I am the girl who gets harassed. I am the girl who is sought after by men of authority as the side piece or mistress or secret girlfriend. It sends the message that even the men my own age who are attracted to me and want to be with me are ashamed to be deep down. It sends the message that because I am black, I am not deserving of real honest love. I am too much. I am too much. I am too much. I hear it repeated in so many words other than those but that is what they are saying. 

In order to participate in this dating world, I must hide a part of myself to attract a mate. As much as I do want to date and be in a serious relationship, I refuse to sacrifice the essence of who I am for any person ever. If someone can not love my beauty, my intelligence, my wit, my patience, my strength all at once, then I do not want his love. And if someone wants to love all of me but cannot allow himself to because his own insecurities are preventing him from doing so, then he never really wanted to love me anyway. As much as I don’t want to end up alone, I would rather that than not be true to myself.

I Wellesley

Before I started my first year of college, I was very excited about stating the prospect of dating and romance. In high school, I was a very shy person with stricter parents, so I wasn't allowed to go to many parties or teen functions. The concept of being removed from parental supervision excited me so I could explore dating in many ways. That excitement of dating dwindling when I arrived at my PWI. My college campus is located in a very wealthy isolated town, an hour outside of Boston. Since this is a very elite institution, I feel physically isolated and removed from the community because I am a Black girl from the South Side of Chicago. That isolation impacted my self-perception, at times I felt worthless because no one talked and engaged with me. Since I go to a historically women's college, I have to go off-campus to interact with cis men, usually at other elite college's parties. The black men at those functions tend to ignore the darker skinned women, isolating us more. As Black women, we can't even turn to our male counterparts for protection and community. The community I created is with Black women and non-binary people because those are the people I know that genuinely love and care about me. 

Mx Howard University:

I haven't had much opportunity to date while at my school because I feel like guys go for the light skin and skinny girls. It seems like, as a thicker girl, guys aren't as attracted to me or go after me. It definitely makes me feel self- conscious. I find myself in situations where I talk to guys I'm not attracted to because I feel like that is all I can get. I often find myself trying to settle because I feel like the guys I am attracted to won't want me. My experiences have made me look more into myself. I assumed that there was something wrong with me because of guys not being attracted to me. I'm more optimistic going into this year because I'm trying to think if I am not being approached it is because I seem to be unapproachable. I will be more open to dating as the year goes on.

Conversation

In order to find a solution to this problem, I recommend that if your friend, sister, or daughter comes to you telling her truth within these spaces don't gaslight her. Her experience is hers and her reality is not in her head, in fact, there are a series of stats to prove that it's a reflection of the society we live in. To Black men within these spaces, it is necessary that you engage in dialogue with Black women, acknowledge your privilege as a man, and understand how you may contribute to the problem. If you are attracted to a Black girl at your school do not fear her, don't be ashamed to talk to her, and don't objectify her. 

As usual,

Thanks for Keeping Up with Kat.